RainbowRaveHappyAppy

So I just got back from my vacation at my Country Grandma's house. It was from September 20th-26th + an extra day. I was able to get my Feebee puppet, and my copy of "Please Don't Feed The Vampire," Give Yourself Goosebumps book by R.L. Stine, before that though. So Confession, I completely forgot that the Management has done what I like to call "Mario64'd Up," the place in the receiving Storage closet, by putting a gate-fence door over the entrance and a lock. This is a problem, because I have Asperger's and any situation requiring me to have to speak to ppl for things I need, makes me panic. It doesn't help that the management at Kroger always treat us .like nothing compared to them... Last night my Facebook Account got Restricted all cuz I was speaking against this awful acts my friend shared when making a beware on this psycho who thought it was funny to make jokes about molesting his cat, getting it taxidermied, then getting the head off the body to put on a buttplug. I don't know what buttplugs are, and will never use one... but the fact that Facebook tried to silence me for stating how that is wrong, they decide I am the one to get into trouble and not the animal abuser... WTF? They apparently claimed I was in violation for a post back on November 4 of 2019, but when i went to search up all posts i had in that year, that date never appeared... This morning my mom told me something that shattered my soul... A co-worker friend of mine by the name, Iris, well for the longest time was struggling with cancer most her life, it got to a point she had to be laid off work just to get to her Dr appointments, and for the Keemo treatments. She was a good friend to my mom as well. She would be there for my mom during her toughest surgeries. Iris was also the one who gave my mom a stuffed bear that a friend she (Iris) had, who specializes in making stuffed bears for people who need one most.... Well my mom went on to tell me that she wanted to give Iris a call, and seeing that she didn't know her last name went to look her up possibly on Facebook... Turns out our dear friend... she passed away on the 17th... on the front page the first result when my mom went to look her up was about her obituary............ I did reach 131 Subscribers on my YouTube though! heh..... I was also able to make my SML Alternate Realities AU Episode 1, now too! I feel like I am trapped in a bad nightmare and just haven't woken up yet after hearing about Iris... I... Anyway, I plan to dress up/cosplay as Jeffy for Halloween this year!

For the record I have come to terms with knowing I was an unplanned child. Accidents happen. So for those who feel like they have to say otherwise should know, they don't have to do that to make me feel better. I am ok with the fact I was not planned. Is it sad? Hell yea. Did I blame myself for mom having difficulties adjusting to this new sudden lifestyle? Absolutely.

Just know you don't need to make me feel better because of this. I simply laugh at myself as a coping mechanism and that is perfectly fine. I am a basket case full of weirdness after all.

I did some research, and it stated that aspergers is considered to be on the spectrum, so you don't have to cheer me up for being accidentally born.

I just wish to say something. I apologize if I upset anyone about stating how I was an unplanned child. However, I have a reason for this.

One is because I was born with a disadvantage and two was because I was told not to make the same mistake. I was not trying to steal from others, or being self centered. Being born on purpose and/or accident still has complications even when healthy. I was not trying to upset, or lecture anyone. I am simply being factually honest with myself and accepting my fate. I am born with an automatic disadvantage.

Planned or not, I am, based on these factors, still somewhat an accident since I know my mom would not want me to be at such a disadvantage.

It is true a lot of ppl still treat ppl who have special needs badly including the LGBTQ+ and sometimes our veterans.

I am more worried for others than myself so I was not being selfish or one sided. I was trying to convey that while mom may have thought it was a cool idea and a good life for her, that that doesn't mean the same for me since I am at a disadvantage bcz of my limited abilities. I will never be able to live on my own.

This was why I said I am an accident. I was not misinformed. I am a logical thinker. I am a realist and a dreamer. I am not acting like a know it all either to piss ppl off...

I will always blame myself bcz she very well could have had an even better life style than wasting her life away putting up with my retarded ass.

It is not her fault, and I am not saying she is bad, but in my opinion, i don't think teen pregnancy is a good Idea planed or not.

Teens usually think or feel like they are grown and end up in really bad situations bcz of this. It is normal for a teen to think they have everything under control, but deep down they are scared stiff. I was still unplanned since no one considered if my birth would benefit me in the long run. It is ok that I was not completely planned. There is no wrong in that.

Since people seem to hate me for being Jeffy from SML on Facebook, Discord, and YouTube, should I just be Migi, from Parasyte -The Maxim-? or is it ok for me to still use Jeffy? i am fictionkin to both, but i just am sick of ppl getting mad at me for being Jeffy...

Okay, so I gotta be real with you guys. There has been something bothering me for these past few weeks lately, and I hope you guys don't take this out of proportion and think it is your faults... So here goes.... The thing is, I do have faith, and I do believe in God, the problem is, well it's me. I am so used to all the pain, and stuff I went through, that I practically became numb to it, to the point where i embrace it even. So much so, that i practically expect it to happen, and invite it with open arms... And well, because of this, and coupled with my constant self hatred, has led me to believe that I do not deserve God's mercy, or love. I have a few friends trying to remind me to not be so modest about all this, and i do appreciate the time and effort you have put into helping me overcome this, it's just, i may need more than that to really get over this... Also, to this day my "evil," twin that also resides in my body still haunts my mind to this day, and everyone knows you can't separate twins, because it is bad for the mental health to do so... I still have moments where i feel worthless, and undeserving of any and everything. I have moments of confusion, anxiety, and depression. I feel like a monster detached from reality a lot of the time.. i just was not sure if i should post this or not, because i felt it would attract misunderstandings, negativity, or some backlash... These things have been bothering me so much lately to be quite honest... I am so lonely lately as well... I think it's thanks to the anime Parasyte: The Maxim that i decided to try and open up more about these issues since Gemini rarely want to do this. I fear everyone will just yeet out of my life because of how terrible of a guy i am. I admit that i can be pretty distant, and maybe detached, and cold at times, and i really hate that about myself... Not to alarm people, but I do still have moments where i just want to give up on everything, and while i don't self harm as often i sometimes do still find myself sometimes doing so when deeply enraged subconsciously.... I understand i am a total liability and straight up hard to handle, and i wish i wasn't that way... but that is just how it is... please don't give up on me like i have on myself... I do ask for forgiveness, but because i don't believe in me as much as i believe in all of you and God, it is hard to believe when you guys, or strangers at my job, say how I will go to Heaven...

Okay, so I am taking my depression/mood swing pills like i am supposed to, and all, but a total of 4 things have been getting me down pretty bad lately...

1. My online Bf Kevin, legit decided to dump me, just because I was fictionkin to Jeffy, from the SML Series. the last thing he told me before I blocked him, was to "Shut the fuck up,"

2. I know I am able to txt my biological parent via facebook, and through our cellphones, but hearing their voice just makes me wanna see them even more... just txting is not enough, and i fear I will never get to do that...

3. I still miss my pet bird from time to time, and know I will never get them back, no matter how much I cry about it, from time to time.... I failed at my responsibility...

4. I don't want to burden my siblings with having to babysit me due to my mental status, since I have a 12 yr old brain, despite now being 29... I keep hearing that I am supposedly having to live with one of my siblings in the near future, but that goes against my moral compass, and I just can't do that to them. It has already been stated I am hard to deal with... Like they have plans to start their own lives, possibly make their own family, and they don't have time to raise a 12 yr old minded 29 yr old trans boy on top of living out their future. I will only get in the way and slow them down. I want them to live out their future without me in their way...

These things keep getting to me, and I just don't know what to do. The first thing was recent, but he always does that in general...

Thanks for loving me Nicole Butler!!! <3